I don’t think the Great Crested Stork is all it’s hyped up to be, no offense. I mean sure, everyone raves about its wild autumnal plumage and its magnificent wingspan, but most people can only think with their eyes. What would they say about the waterfowl’s theft of its brethren’s nests, and how do we ignore the rampant infidelity! It’s basically the avian equivalent of a mid-life crisis.

Have you considered the Rusty Lark? Now there’s a bird that you can depend on. Some fly for weeks looking for the perfect tree for its nest. And it’s also one of the only species where the parents share equal duties, alternating between hunter and chick-raising as one season folds to the next. As for beauty, well if you could just witness its song at dawn, you would witness its voice spread the sun like honey.

In fact, a bevy of them have moved in to a valley just a few hours drive from my campus. So when I heard that you were considering the Great Crested Stork for your dissertation, I couldn’t watch you make that mistake. I’ve even shown my Dean your thesis on Arctic Tern migration, and she would really appreciate having you here. Would love to, even. And I know how much you hate Bordeau for not having enough vegan restaurants, so guess what – we have seven.

Don’t go chasing waterfowls, Gabriele. Please.

This time it’ll be different.